why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
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