my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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