everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Randomize
