I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
