dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
