I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
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You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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