can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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