There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
