Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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