just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
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He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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