Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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