you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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