My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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