nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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