The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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