I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
