I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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