and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Is it penis luge time yet?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
