I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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