Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
