Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
