I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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