Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
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I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
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I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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