Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
