she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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