i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
