Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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