After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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