White coat. Heels.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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