dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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