I feel great
I just peed on a car
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
