I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
