Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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