he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
you would pick up someone in the library
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Dignity is for republicans.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
