I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
