got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize