woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize