Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
