Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
