If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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