ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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