Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
