and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
