hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Don't tell me you're on acid again
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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