just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
