So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
