I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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