party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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