my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.