i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
