I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
