Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
