Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
