I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
