tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
