Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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