this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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