then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
